Are You Actually Listening?
I was on a walk with a friend this weekend discussing a specific challenge they were facing. I quickly became excited to hear how familiar their issue was— I had gone through the exact same challenge and knew I could help. So I started explaining what I did in their situation and was surprised to see them disconnect from the conversation. Is it obvious to you what I did wrong here? Let’s dive in.
Years ago, I walked into a client meeting with a thoughtfully crafted agenda, dazzling insights, and a business plan to double their revenue over the next three years. Little did I know, the CEO had been on the phone for hours with one of my team’s billing specialists due to a payments issue. The man was pissed. When he told me this, I said “Oh, don’t worry, this is an easy fix, I can just connect with XYZ stakeholder and get this resolved in the next hour or two.”
I definitely stoked the flames of his frustration.
After giving me a ten minute earful about how incompetent my billing team was and how my team needed to have certain product changes in place, it was clear to me the mistake I had made. So I said “The billing team messed up. This must be incredibly frustrating for you.” The CEO finally paused and said “Yes. Incredibly. So you think you can fix this by today?” He wanted to feel heard before I dove into solution mode.
Many of you have likely heard of the concept of mirroring, popularized by Chris Voss. Mirroring is when you imitate the speech pattern, gesture, or attitude of a stakeholder. A real example from February last year:
Client: “I don't think we're able to prioritize this in 2023.”
Me: “You're not sure you can prioritize this before the end of 2023?”
Client: “Well, we've first got to finish upgrading our marketing tech stack.”
Me: “You need to upgrade your tech stack before doing anything else and it’ll take the rest of the year?”
Client: “Yes— well, I doubt it'll take ten months… Maybe we can find a way to put your initiative on our 2023 roadmap.”
Mirroring is simple and enormously effective with clients. It proves you’re listening and gets them to talk more, either to confirm what you’ve mirrored or to correct you/reword their statement. You can imagine how differently the above conversation could have gone if the client said “Your initiative isn’t a priority” and I replied with “Let me reiterate how beneficial this project is to you achieving your year end goals…” With that hypothetical response, my client wouldn't feel heard, even if I thought I were being customer-centric and focusing on their goals.
Clearly, mirroring this would have benefitted me immensely in both the situation with my friend and my frustrated client CEO.
I wrote a previous newsletter on the Trust Equation. Your stakeholder’s perception of your selfishness (ideally very low) is the denominator of the equation. This is where active listening comes in and shows you’re not entirely here for yourself; that you actually care about delivering value to your customer. The more you talk— and the more you talk from a self-oriented perspective— the less your stakeholder will feel heard and understood. Mirroring is a tool that proves you’re listening, reduces your self-orientation, and builds trust.
Bringing it all back: When whoever you’re talking to feels heard, they’re open to give you information about how they think and want to solve problems. By understanding customer wants, needs, and blind spots, you’re empowered to be a more strategic and consultative seller who drives results. That’s why you’re here reading this, right?
Practice mirroring when listening to a friend or a partner this week. Then try it in a client meeting. It should go without saying, but read the room and don’t overdo it.
A Carnegie Mellon study asked adults to sit through a ten-minute oral presentation and, later, to describe its content. Half of adults couldn’t recall information they were just presented. Two days later, 75% of listeners couldn’t even recall the subject matter (source). You’re literally the outlier out when you prove you’re actually listening. How will you maintain attention in your next presentation?