Don't Undermine Your Own Good Deeds
Years ago I boarded a crowded bus in Argentina carrying books, bags of groceries, and a full backpack. A kind woman took pity on me and offered me her seat, which I quickly accepted with a heartfelt “gracias.” Her response was almost a dismissive “No…no, no problema.” I just wanted her to feel appreciated but felt stiff-armed. Today we’re talking about reciprocity. Let’s dive in.
Credit: Jon Marro
Have you ever felt a little awkward when someone thanked you for a favor and responded with "Oh, it was nothing"? While it might seem humble, this common response can actually undermine the power of reciprocity.
The Science of Reciprocity: Social psychologist Robert Cialdini explores the concept of reciprocity in his book Influence. He explains that people are conditioned to feel obligated to repay favors, gifts, or other acts of kindness. When we downplay our actions, we diminish the sense of obligation in the other person's mind. Most people want to reciprocate a kind act. And surprisingly, those who don’t want to reciprocate still feel obliged to.
Why It Matters: By acknowledging a favor and framing it as a mutual exchange, you strengthen the social bond and increase the likelihood of future cooperation. It's a subtle yet powerful technique that can be applied in both personal and professional relationships.
Simple Shift, Big Impact: To maximize the impact of reciprocity, consider these tips:
Embrace Gratitude: When someone expresses gratitude, acknowledge it sincerely. A simple "Happy to help" can go a long way.
Frame it as Mutual: Position the favor as a natural exchange between two people: “Of course! I’m sure you’d do the same if you were in my shoes.” Both parties benefit from the relationship.
Give Thoughtful Gifts: When giving a gift, choose something that is personalized and meaningful. Write handwritten cards, ask a client to take them out to their favorite lunch spot, etc. Show you care.
By understanding and applying the principles of reciprocity, you can build stronger, more meaningful relationships and achieve greater success in your personal and professional life. Engaging in this manner doesn’t make you manipulative; it makes you part of the virtuous cycle of giving and receiving.
Read the book The Go-Giver to dive deeper into the concept of reciprocity in business. In my opinion, this is the greatest business book of all time. A bit kitschy, but the message remains powerful.
Research has shown that people who feel appreciated are more likely to:
Be more productive: An Oxford study found that employees who feel appreciated are 13% more productive (source).
Be more loyal: A Gallup poll revealed that employees who feel appreciated are twice as likely to be loyal to their company.
Be more collaborative: A study by the University of Michigan found that people who feel valued are more likely to collaborate with others— including your clients with you.